Last week, I said that despite the complexities of the ‘in or out?’ question, the UK’s EU referendum would come down to something much more basic – tribalism. As I write, so many tribes are in a state of flux, from the main political parties to our nations themselves.
The label ‘United Kingdom’ sounds like a contradiction in terms at the moment. I don’t want to dwell on that this week because things are changing all the time – and whatever I say now may well be out of date by the time I post it!
So instead, let’s talk about another contradiction in terms – one which has been around for generations. Although to be honest with you, I really thought it was disappearing. That was until a friend sent me a couple of links to articles on the BBC website, looking at why so many women don’t speak up for themselves, especially in a professional context.
I have a lot of childhood memories (from the 1970s and 80s) of passive-aggressive women, silently radiating rage through gritted teeth. They’d never dream of actually expressing those feelings overtly, because they’d been brought up to be ‘good girls’ – and ‘good girls’ don’t make trouble. They just aim to fit in by trying to please – even if that means pushing their true thoughts and feelings to the back of a very long queue!
That idea was reinforced at the all-girls grammar school where I spent nearly five years. (I still think of 29th June – my leaving date in 1984 – as ‘liberation day!’!) All that said, I thought my later reluctance to push myself forward in the workplace was a generational thing. Ok, a multi-generational thing, but something which was now dying out. Even when this issue came up in 2014, during my conversation with Ann Moir of Brain Sex Matters, I assumed it applied mainly to women of my own age or older.
I was really surprised – I’d go as far as to say shocked! – to read about how young women in the second decade of the 21st century are still struggling with the conflict summed up by my favourite set of mixed-up Mummisms: ‘If you don’t ask, you don’t get – and if you don’t ask, you don’t want!’ but ‘Good girls don’t ask!’ In fact, it’s quite possible that girls growing up today face an even bigger challenge than any of their predecessors. The assumption is that they’re all supremely confident and comfortable in their own skin. Some are, of course; but for those who aren’t, the gap between expectation and reality is wider than it’s ever been.
In ‘Too many girls held back by inner critic’ Helen Fraser (Head of the Girls’ Day School Trust) says she has ‘worried away’ at why, so often, girls who are confident and successful at school don’t go on to reflect that in their professional careers. She believes it’s due, in part at least, to what happens during their education: ‘Schools should encourage girls to be adventurous risk-takers, rather than “quiet, neat, good girls”’, she says. She also talks about the 21st century pressure to be ‘perfect’ – at everything from academia to friendship.
My research tells me that’s boosted by the ability to appear perfect online. My experience tells me that pressure started building over three decades ago – an impression borne out by some of the contributions to: ‘Tips for success: Eleven ways to silence your inner critic’. No-one judges a woman more harshly than another woman – and the harshest of them all is the other woman who lives in her head! As Helen Fraser points out: ‘We need to persuade girls to challenge that inner critic that judges you, tells you you’re not good enough, that your ideas aren’t worth hearing’.
Those of us who are employers or potential employers can play our part in that, by establishing a collaborative, rather than a competitive culture. The business case for this approach is clear: The pressure of constant competition, of always having to fight your way through the crush and shout to be heard, has a negative impact on a range of people.
Earlier this week, I watched a TED talk by Brian Little, about the joys (and otherwise!) of being an introvert. For the perspective of an introverted woman, check out Susan Cain’s TED talk. Then there are those who go beyond introversion, to painful shyness. We can draw all these and other diverse individuals, from different tribes, into a single tribe. We do it by creating a workplace environment where everyone, male or female, introvert or extrovert, confident or shy, feels safe to express themselves – because they know they’ll be listened to. That gives us the opportunity to tap into the full breadth and depth of ideas and talent at our disposal – and the full depth and breadth of our potential customer/client base – all of which translates into a healthier bottom line.
If you want scientific evidence, have a look at: ‘Moral Markets’ By Paul Zak et al. Yes, there are lots of aspects to creating that kind of culture, from the physical to the virtual; but the good news is that it’s really easy to get started.
We just have to forget Brexit long enough to agree on one thing: ‘Vive la difference!’ The next step is just as simple – we need to take a break from trying to be heard and start listening. I’ve just got off the phone with the boss of a large national public body. After years of struggling with that concept they are, at last, taking it on board – and if they can do it, believe me, you and I certainly can!
In that spirit, if you have any:
- Questions
- Comments or
- Communication issues to discuss
come and talk to me! All the details are, as ever, on the website.
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