Back in 2014, Julian Treasure of The Sound Agency talked about being ‘disappeared’ by people who carry on remote conversations while completely ignoring someone physically close by. Just recently, I’ve had two experiences which have convinced me that particular brand of ignorance isn’t limited to strangers on trains.
A couple of months ago, I was deep in conversation with a colleague in another company, when one of their associates walked in. I’d never met this person, although I knew them by their reputation for impeccable manners. So I thought I might be introduced before they both either excused themselves or drew me into their conversation. What they actually did was talk over my head. I was left feeling invisible – and very disappointed.
Fast-forward to a fortnight ago. I was at the head office of a large national company, involved in a very animated discussion with one of their technical people about (ironically!) improving and enhancing an aspect of their customer communications. Suddenly, a hand came on my shoulder. It was a friend I hadn’t seen for at least a year. We started chatting, although I kept looking for an opportunity to break off and introduce her to my new associate. Unfortunately, the chance didn’t come – until it was too late. The lady I’d been talking to before my friend appeared obviously felt frozen out. By the time I got a chance to do the introductions, she’d given up and gone to speak to someone else. I felt TERRIBLE!!! I’d just dished out exactly the same thoughtless treatment which had made me so cross when I’d been on the receiving end – and I was even more disappointed with myself than I’d been with those who had done it to me!
It got me thinking though, about two questions:
First, where does that kind of behaviour come from?
Until that second incident, I’d have liked to believe it was something which ‘other people’ were guilty of; the anonymous ‘they’, who have lost their manners, perhaps because of changing parenting styles, too much time online etc. Now I have to face the fact that I’m ‘one of them’ – and I’ve got to tell you, I don’t like it! So why do ‘we’ behave like that?
Well, speaking for myself, I can’t blame my upbringing – my parents were very old school when it came to manners. As a kid, I was convinced that if Mum and Dad could have made rudeness a crime, the punishment would have been a fate only slightly better than death! Nor can I blame my internet habits. Yes, I drop on to the web several times a day – and yes, I’m involved in social media; but it only represents a fraction of the time I spend interacting with people generally. The key, maybe, was in that last sentence; specifically, in one word in that sentence: ‘Time’.
In our time-poor culture, a belief seems to be developing that there’s no time for ‘niceties’. The less time we have (or, sometimes, think we have), the more we want to control our limited supply. One of the main ways we achieve that control is by switching our attention between several narrow fields of focus. We tend to prioritise according to what’s immediately in front of us, physically and virtually.
A couple of weeks ago, I talked about the inattentional tunnel vision drivers experience when they’re distracted. Well, we all experience something similar in our mind’s eye when we’re overloaded. If an event (like a message) isn’t front and centre, we can’t see it – and if we can’t see it, it can’t be important. Those of us who would like to see ourselves as polite and considerate start by feeling bad about missing that email or phone message; but eventually, we overcome the guilt and start telling ourselves it’s ok – even normal. We tell ourselves a similar story about dropping one contact to pick up another. What choice to we have? – and anyway, everybody does it, right? Both those arguments are reinforced every time our behaviour has no consequences – which happens more and more, as those we ignore come to accept, and then to expect it.
That brings me to the second question – does it matter?
The concept of ‘good manners’ evolves over time, along with language – and every other aspect of human culture. If it didn’t, we’d still be stuck in caves! At this point, the word itself, ‘manners’, sounds a bit quaint, doesn’t it? So shouldn’t we just accept that the juggling of interactions is ‘ok’, even ‘normal’, in the twenty-first century? Yes – but that doesn’t mean it shouldn’t still be normal to excuse ourselves when we need to switch focus, and apologise when we don’t treat somebody as we’d like to be treated. That at least acknowledges that my ‘nicety’ might be your ‘necessity’ – and it could well make the difference between ‘later’ and ‘too late’.
A few years ago, I was doing a weekly radio show about enterprise. One of my guests was Gerry Chandler, a dispute resolution specialist. Off-air, he said something which has stayed with me – I’m pretty sure I’ve quoted it here before, but it’s always worth repeating: ‘If time is money, then time spent on conversation is an investment’. Well, now I’m going to expand that – to say: If time is money, time spent on treating people decently is an investment – whatever name we give it.
In case you’re wondering, yes, I have put my money where my mouth is. I sent my apologies to the lady I felt I was rude to two weeks ago. No response as yet …
Next time, I want to home in on a specific aspect of this – phone manners. In the meantime, if you have any:
- Questions
- Comments or
- Communication issues to chat through come and talk to me! All the details are on the website.
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