What do you really want? – Negotiation

Back in my days as a law student, one of the optional modules I took was negotiation.

Our tutor, David, liked to err on the side of the less conventional in his teaching style. I may have told you before that at the beginning of his first lecture on another subject, he jumped up on the desk and shouted:

‘Imagine I’m a Martian!’

In that moment, to be honest, it wasn’t too hard …

His methods, which included storytelling and some slightly off-the-wall exercises, certainly broke down barriers and brought his subjects to life though. It was in his advocacy class that I beat my fear of public speaking. I’ve said before that without David – and a helping hand from Little Bo-peep – I wouldn’t be doing this job.

During the first negotiation tutorial, he told a little story – which you may have come across?:

‘There was a mother, with two children – and one orange. She had a problem, because both kids wanted the orange. She tried giving it to one, with the promise that the other could have the next one; but that didn’t work – the one who had to wait just screamed! So she tried suggesting they cut it in half; but that didn’t work either – this time, both screamed!’

At that point, he paused and asked us:

‘So what could she do?’

Various suggestions were put forward – from buying another orange, to telling them they both had to go without, because they were behaving like brats!

He let the discussion run for a while, before calling it to order:

‘You might all be right,’ he said, ‘but what she actually did next was ask the kids a question:

‘”What do you really want the orange for?”

‘One said:

“I’m hungry!”

‘And the other said:

‘”I’m thirsty!”

‘So there was her answer. She squeezed the orange and gave the thirsty child the juice and the hungry one the pulp – and peace reigned!’

Throughout the rest of that course – and my later legal career – I saw that principle in action time and time again.

Back in 2008, I made a programme called:

‘Everybody Wins’ through Collaborative Negotiation.

In any deal, each party has a starting point and an idea of where they want to end up. They’ll both have results they ‘absolutely refuse’ to compromise on and other aspects of the outcome where they might be prepared to give a little – usually in return for something from the other side.

In commercial deals generally and legal scenarios in particular, both parties tend to keep their aces up their sleeves – while trying to catch a peep up the other side’s sleeves, to see what cards they’re holding.

Attempts to reach agreement can go round and round in circles, especially when one or both of the negotiators is competitive. When there are two competitors in the room (as you’ll know if you’ve been through this), the result can be complete stalemate – expensive stalemate if the alternative to a negotiated settlement is court. If one of the negotiators is too cooperative, on the other hand, the result is likely to be all one way – in favour of the competitor.

The idea behind collaborative negotiation is to save a lot of that time, effort and money by finding common ground early on and then working towards a solution that will suit both.

To do that, the question has to be asked and answered – of themselves, if not of each other

What do you really want?

The top-level answer might be:

‘The orange!’,

but by drilling down, we get to:

‘Food!’ or
‘A drink!’

So many legal clients started our first consultation by telling me they wanted to sue the pants off of someone who had breached a contract or some other civil right; but when I drilled down, it usually turned out that what they really wanted was their money back, some work put right etc – which, in 99% of cases, we were able to achieve without even issuing a summons. Sometimes, it was even possible to repair the original relationship.

So often, they hadn’t given too much thought to what they really wanted, until they were asked the direct question. Someone had done them wrong and was refusing to be reasonable, so they’d sue – ‘because that’s what you do, isn’t it?!’ (a justification I heard more than once!).

Equally often, the other side had become entrenched in their position because my client had been issuing demands, rather than asking questions.

That’s where this little trip into my past ties back to my present.

Whether we’re talking about law, business – or any other kind of relationship – there’s negotiation involved, isn’t there? Not just to settle disputes, but to set or reinterpret the ground rules as things naturally evolve, with a view to avoiding disagreements.

When I met Sophie Scott at UCL to record the third programme in the last series, she told me before the interview:

‘We’re the only species that asks questions. Others can communicate – some can even tell us what they want; but only we ask questions’.

Investing some time and effort in asking the right questions to get a collaborative negotiation going, on any topic, not only saves that time, effort and money I mentioned earlier – it also moves us towards the common ground on which solid, productive relationships are built.

So, dare I say it? – everybody wins!

Being asked what it is we really want, rather than having someone lay down the law about what they want, in any situation, is an important part of the topic I was talking about last week – inclusion. It’s about even more than getting to the truth. It makes us feel acknowledged; respected; valued – and it’s possible to do it without compromising authority, even where the balance of power is uneven – as between boss and employee.

Value is the subject of the next post.

In the meantime, what do you really want? – no, I mean it – tell me!

If you have any:

• Questions
• Feedback or
• Communication issues to discuss,

come and talk to me! All the details are on the website.