Two weeks ago, I talked about inclusion. Last week, the theme was negotiation. This week, I’m looking at one of the results of adding those two together – value. This topic also ties back to the last because that was about the importance of asking questions and this is about one of the most important questions we’ll ever ask if we want a professional contact to grow into something more enduring and productive. In fact, this week’s title question is an ideal follow-up to last week’s!
Actually, this week’s title was nearly:
‘How can you help me?’
because that’s often the real starting point; but either way, the fact is that help is at the heart of every professional interaction we ever have.
Reception staff ask callers or visitors:
‘How can I help you?’
At interviews, we ask candidates:
‘What do you think you can bring to the company?’ (in other words: ’How can you help us?’).
Marketing is about identifying and solving the customer’s problem.
Pr involves us asking journalists etc for their help in spreading our messages.
Wherever we look, across every area of operations, someone needs help from somebody else. When there’s a one-off, one-way match, we make a connection. When the roles of ‘helper’ and ‘helpee’ are switched back and forth over time, the result is a relationship founded on equality – which is central to the common ground on which the healthiest, most productive relationships are built. (No, I’m not sure ‘helpee’ is a word – but it serves our current purpose, doesn’t it?!).
I’ll be honest with you: I’ve never been completely convinced that ‘a picture paints a thousand words’
– but after putting this post together, I’m a believer!
My ideas quite often start as mental images, which I then translate into words. This one proved a trickier translation than I was expecting. If I could have just drawn you the picture in my head, with a few explanatory notes, I could have saved us both some time – and myself a lot of effort! Unfortunately, my drawing isn’t up to the job – so here goes with my best effort at a description!
Imagine, if you will, the classic ‘circles of intimacy’ diagram – five concentric rings:
• The smallest represents our five to ten most intimate relationships
• Around that, a slightly larger circle contains another twelve to fifteen people we’re close to but less intimate with
• In the next largest circle are approximately another twenty-five individuals we’re in regular contact with
• Beyond that are an additional hundred people, or thereabouts, who we feel personally connected to, although we keep in touch less regularly and
• At the outer edge of the largest circle are those we identify with because we share a group membership, although we won’t know them all personally –such as people who speak our language.
This graphic representation of our social relationships (which includes professional connections) often ties each level of the hierarchy to frequency of contact – which roughly translates into how much:
• Time
• Attention and
• Energy
we spend on the people within them.
That makes sense as far as it goes. Those three interdependent resources are vital to every relationship worth the name – and they’re all finite. We have to budget carefully, so (in theory at least) we allocate the biggest share to the most important people in our lives; but I’d argue that where we invest our resources is only a secondary cause of someone’s position in our circles; an effect of the primary cause.
The fundamental reason why one person sits in the centre and another is lucky to make it within the outer rim comes down to need – specifically, the type of need we have, which they’re able to fill.
In the first of this series, I mentioned Maslow’s Hierarchy. That isn’t usually shown as a set of circles, but while the numbers involved might be different and the boundaries may not match perfectly every time, it can be mapped on to the ‘circles of intimacy’.
Now imagine that:
• The ‘intimate’ centre circle represents the few people who can help meet our biological needs – including food and procreation. Our immediate family (partner and kids, if we have them) would be in the same position in both versions of the diagram;
• Next, there are those who help with our survival needs – shelter etc. Whether we have employers or employees, they should be in here, along with clients/customers – because they all help us earn the money that pays for our day to day survival. In theory, they also fit into this circle in terms of their share of our resources – although in practice, some of us see more of the boss, or the staff, than the people we live with, don’t we?!;
• Next come the people who give us a sense of belonging. In each case, the larger circle includes the smaller – so this is all of the above, plus friends outside work;
• The next largest circle includes anyone else (not in any of the smaller circles) who we’re able to help because that feeds our self-esteem.
• Finally, in the outermost circle, we can place the individuals, personally known to us or not, who help us reach our full potential – including those who help to spread positive messages about us.
If I haven’t made your head spin, there are three key points to pull out of all those imaginary circles:
1 As I’ve said, time, attention and energy are vital to every relationship
2 Provided nothing disrupts the natural process, the more of those resources we share with another person, the closer we become and
3 To find The best route to a bigger share of someone else’s resources – the path to their inner circles – we just need to look behind the question:
‘How can I help you?‘
An investment of time etc in identifying the answer generally yields healthy and consistent returns. For example:
Astute PR people find out what a journalist needs and how they can supply it –
• feeding the journalist’s ability to realise their own potential and
• increasing the chances of the favour being returned in the form of coverage;
Switched-on marketers involve customers in helping to plan campaigns –
fostering a sense of belonging
• making the customer feel good about themselves and so
• maximising the chances of fulfilling the potential of the individual relationship and the campaign as a whole; and
Smart managers engage their teams in planning their own way forward and even the way forward for the organisation – helping them
• secure their practical survival
• feel safe in their position within the group
• build their self-esteem
• fulfill their own potential and so
• benefit the organisation by increasing their commitment.
Those are just three of the many illustrations I could have given you.
There are some implicit assumptions about power and status attached to the role of ‘helper’ and ‘helpee’.
Asking for help – even admitting we need it – can be seen as a weakness; a concession of power to whoever can meet our need. If nothing else, the helper can usually decide whether or not to help and they normally get to set the terms (if someone’s doing me a favour, I’m in no position to dictate how, where or when it’s done, am I?!). So if one person is always giving and the other is always receiving, the balance of power will be unequal, which strains dynamics and stunts growth.
If you’ find yourself caught in that cycle, in a particular interaction, or more generally, the trick to breaking it is to flip your usual opening question, whether that’s:
‘How can you help me?’ or
‘How can I help you?’
The second is usually the safest starting point – but if you always start from there and it doesn’t always work for you, it’s worth remembering that sometimes, you can support someone else by letting them support you. By showing you value somebody’s assistance, you might actually be giving them the validation they need to boost their self-esteem and reach their full potential! It’s a thought to ponder next time you’re struggling with something and don’t want to shout:
‘HELP!’
It’s all about exchange – which is next week’s theme. On that subject, if you have any:
• Questions
• Comments or
• Feedback
come and talk to me! All the contact details are on the website.
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